I Find Him in my Tears

   I'm a church kid. Grown up in church. Never known life without Jesus.

And I'm so thankful for that. Thankful that I was able to know Jesus at such a young age.

But in growing up in church, there are some things about prayer that church kids learn:

1. The Churchy Way to Pray. Saying things like, Father, goodness, kingdom, etc. 
2. When and where to pray. 
3. A playbook of prayers. 

And I had my Prayer Playbook down pat, in case I was ever asked to pray in Sunday school. And till I was about 14, I didn't really know how to pray. Really talk to God I mean. 

I just had these prayers that I would always pray for different things. One for dinner, one at night, one for when people were sick, etc. 

And thats not wrong necessarily. I was just to the point where I wanted more in my relationship with Jesus. 

When I started attending my church's youth group my freshmen year, I leaned how to talk to God. Just talk to him. Like how I would talk to you. Telling him what I'm worried about, what I'm thankful for. 

I felt like I knew more of Jesus. Like he knew me. 

And that was comforting. I was amazed that I'm able to know God like we can. 

Recently, my life has been a circus of Chaos. And I capitalize that because I feel that Chaos is someone I've come to know very well.

Chaos to the point of my mom, the kids and me packing up and staying with a friend out of town for a week. Getting away was so nice. I dreaded coming back and dealing my life. I'm just exhausted all the time. 

And in my time of worry and anger and exhaustion, I'm having such a hard time talking to God. I don't have the words. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to tell Him. And I don't have the energy to figure it out. 

So instead, I cry. 

Mostly silently. Sometimes not. 

And most of the time, all I say is, "Jesus?"

In those moments, I feel God. I know that he doesn't need my words. 

He knows. 

He knows I'm angry. He know I'm worried. He knows that I'm only able to take life a day at a time right now. 

And even though I just don't have the words right now, I still know Him. I know He is present. Which is something I've always struggled with. Knowing God is near. 

I find Him in my tears right now. 

And that's okay. 

And those word on the picture above, 

"Jesus, Jesus. You make the darkness tremble. 

 Jesus, Jesus. You silence fear."

I pray those words all the time. They get me through the day sometimes. 

I pray them over myself. I whisper them. I sing them. 

This season of my life is different. I haven't walked through anything like this. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna hurt. But I'll get through it. 

And I'll have those words the whole time. 

<3

(Listen to the song "Tremble" by Mosaic here.)